Fiction
WHY I CAN'T WRITE
How to survive in a world where you can’t pay rent, can’t afford to focus, be healthy or to remain principled. Dijana Matković tells a powerful story of searching for a room of her own in the late stages of capitalism.
by DIJANA MATKOVIĆ
It is a coming-of-age story for Generation Z. How to grow up or even live in a world where no steady jobs are available, you can’t pay your rent and can’t afford medical or living expenses. Moreover, it touches on how to be a socially engaged artist in such a world, and more so, a woman in a post-me too world? Dijana, a daughter of working-class immigrants, tells the story of her difficult childhood and adolescence, how should became a journalist and later a writer in a society full of prejudices, glass ceilings and obstacles. How she gradually became a stereotypical ‘success story’, even though she still struggles with writing, because she can’t afford a ‘room of her own’. Dijana is a daughter of working-class immigrants, who came to Slovenia in the eighties in search of a better future. The family is building a house but is made redundant from the local factory when Yugoslavia is in the midst of an economic crisis. When her parents get divorced, Dijana, her older sister and mother struggle with basic needs. She is ashamed of their poverty, her classmates bully her because of her immigrant status, but mostly because of her being ‘white trash’. In the local school she meets teachers with prejudices against immigrants, but is helped by a librarian who spots her talent. When Dijana goes to secondary school, she moves in with her older sister who lives in Ljubljana, the capital of Slovenia. Her sister is into rave culture and Dijana starts to explore experimenting with drugs, music and dance. At the secondary school, she is again considered ‘the weird kid’, as she isn’t enough of a foreigner for other immigrant kids because she is from the country, yet she isn’t Slovenian enough for other native kids. She falls even deeper into drug addiction, fails the first year of school and has to move back to live with her mother. She takes on odd jobs to make ends meet. Whilst working as a waitress she encounters sexism and sexual violence from customers and abuse from the boss. She finishes night school and graduates. She meets many ‘lost’ people of her generation along the way, who tell her their stories about precarious, minimum wage jobs, lack of opportunities, expensive rent, etc. Dijana writes for numerous newspapers but loses or quits her job, because she isn’t allowed to write the stories she wants or because of the bad working conditions or the blatant sexual harassment. Due to the high rent in the capital, Dijana has to move to the countryside to live with her mother. She feels lonely there, struggles with anxiety and cannot write a second book, because she is constantly under pressure to make a living. She realises that she must persevere regardless of the obstacles, she must follow her inner truth and by writing about it, try to create a community of like-minded people, a community of people who support each other – all literature/art is social.
